Health.

Since I was in college, I have struggled with my weight gain. It was in college that I put on the most weight.

I ran away from it. I remembered taking pictures and not wanting to look at them after, since I was so self conscious on what I looked like.

I have attempted to lose weight, whether it was starting Insanity, using MyFitnessPal, started running, etc. I would have a lot of momentum in the beginning, but couldn’t keep it consistent. All the times I’ve tried, it was all on my own. I didn’t seek help from someone.

Now… I’ve hit that point, where I feel that isn’t cutting it.

I NEED HELP.

I have realized, I can’t do this alone. 

I’ve been running out of breath more often, my joints have been in pain, and overall I’ve been more anxious.

I’m 27 years old. I feel know I can be better than where I’m at now.

It’s not going to be an easy journey, but I’m sick of feeling what I am feeling now.

 

 

Advertisements

New.

Sometimes you just need a change of environment to inspire yourself again and I am on that brink right now. This time next week, I will be starting my new job. 

I am nervous. I am scared. I am anxious. 

But I am also eager. 

It is a time of learning, exploration, and discovering.

I can’t wait. 

Search.

The more you search for something, it gets harder to find. You devote your time and energy… and it still isn’t enough.

You never know how long searching for a job will take. With my current job, it took about two months.

But this time around, it’s taking a lot longer.

I started my search at around this time last year. I had a turning point at work.

It was a day that kind of… set me over of the edge.

The stress. Workload. Happenings at work. All just got to me and made me realize…

I can’t do this anymore. 

It’s not worth it. It’s one thing if I knew that it was my passion or if it was my dream to be in this industry.

But I knew it wasn’t.

I feel if your heart and soul is devoted to something, whether if it’s a relationship or a even a job, you’d be able to stick it out. You would fight for something/someone if you know the fight will be worth it in the end…

That day made me realize it wasn’t.

I am in this period of my life where I need to be selfish take care of myself.

And that includes my job. The company I am at now, I’ve been with for over 2 and half years. It is my first job and it’s been a roller coaster to say the least. I have been there through a management change, high turnover period, and just stress overload.

I care so much about people that I can let others influence my decision at the end of the day. I am very empathetic and am very conscious of others’ feelings and thoughts…

Which means my feelings can fall on the back burner, fall down the priority list, when in reality, it should be at the top. 

I am over analytical. So you don’t know how many times I have played this situation over and over in my head…

“If I leave, what’s gonna happen?”

“If I leave, the burden is gonna fall on ____”

“If I leave, my obligations at work will go to _____”

I’m always thinking about the outcome of others, but not looking at…

How am I gonna feel at the end of the day? Will I be happier than I am now?

I generally am a happy person, it is very rare that close friends of mine will know something is wrong.

Over these past 2.5 years, I haven’t been the happiest. Not even close. I didn’t even know that was possible.

Work. Sleep. Repeat.

At first, my work was my escape. I was still reeling over a break up when I first got my job. These two worlds had no overlap, so it made it easier for me to get me through it.

But now, I’ve healed in my love life.

But work hasn’t put me in the greatest position, emotionally speaking.

It’s hard for me to break a routine. Getting comfortable and complacent, guilty as charged. 

I vent about issues and problems about work to my mom, but don’t back it up with proactivity.

My coworker has even called me out on it… and she’s right. 

“You’re taking your sweet ass time.”

With my coworker who is getting ready to move to another city, it puts me in a not-so great position, with the potential of working nights again.

I just can’t let that happen.

At the end of the day, I have to decide what’s best for me.

I need to start a new chapter in my life.

LinkedIn.

I am not going to even lie, LinkedIn can be intimidating.

I am in the process of looking for other job opportunities. Currently I feel I’m getting closer to the end of this job chapter in my life and am eager to start a new one.

Just a moment ago, I scanned through my network on LinkedIn and I must admit, it got intimidating REAL quick.

I somehow found myself scrolling through my contacts job titles…

Analyst…

Registered Nurse…

MSN…

Legal Secretary…

Administrative Assistant…

It all off sudden just put me in place.

My mind started to go down that road…

“What am I doing with my life?”

Then I had to stop. 

In this very instant, my thought very well could have continued down that path…

“What am I doing with my life? Everyone has these sophisticated job titles and here I am still am at my current job, with not much movement.”

But.

I had to quickly change my train of thought.

“All these job titles I see… I can do it too. It may not be now, but it’s possible. The job that is meant to be mine, will be. I can’t force what isn’t meant to be there. For every no, you are one step closer to your yes.”

Love.

Reminder:

You don’t have to be in a relationship on 2/14 to be happy.

2/14 isn’t about sulking around about not being in relationship, but is a reminder to love yourself as well. It is a day revolved around love, not necessarily with a significant other, but to show self-love as well. Whether if that’s treating yourself to a show you’ve ALWAYS wanted to see, going to your favorite restaurant, or even binge watching your favorite show. Be happy.

The marketing around 2/14 is crazy. Every store you walk into is literally lined with roses, chocolate, cards, and candy.

Yes, I understand the feeling of receiving gifts on Valentine’s Day from previous relationships. I have also had expectations on this day myself.

I am guilty of it.

But now as I grow older, they’ve started to fade. A $50 bundle of gifts isn’t representative of someone’s love to me. Don’t get me wrong… if your girl loves those things, by all means go right ahead. 2/14 is just another day in the year that marks love. There is a whole other 364 days that could mean so much more.

I, too, am still learning to love myself each and every day.

It only takes one step. Just one.

“As I began to love myself, my relationship with everyone changed.”

Honesty.

You have to be honest with yourself.

In ways, I don’t feel like myself.

I don’t feel motivated to do anything.

My upper back and shoulders are in pain.

On my days off, I literally sit around and do nothing. I get bouts of nausea for doing nothing.

The motivation I need will not be coming from me staying in my room 24/7. I have applied for jobs, none of which I have received any responses from yet.

I feel stagnant. I feel hopeless. I feel like I’m failing at life.

 

 

Music.

As a freshman/sophomore in high school, my music taste was influenced a bit by my brother. He would pick me up from school and have Korean music playing in his car. At the time, I wasn’t really familiar with it, but the more I listened, the more it caught on. I became a fan of BoA Kwon back then. Literally half of my iTunes consisted of her music.

At the end of my high school years, my friend at the time got me caught on Korean dramas, particularly, “Stairway to Heaven.”

Such a CLASSIC.

This was my first introduction the the KPOP/KDrama culture.


I moved away to college and completely lost interest in for about 4 years.

After I graduated and moved back home, in my downtime I became a big fan of YouTube.

Anything from Wong Fu Productions to Just Kidding Films to AprilAthena7, I gravitated to a lot of Asian American based YouTubers for the relatable content and the “OMG me too!” moments because I am Asian American myself.

I don’t exactly remember how I stumbled upon the “1 Million Dance Studio”  YouTube channel, but I did. #SoriNa (OMG)

If I had to choose, I’d be her. But I digress.

If you are familiar with their channel, they base a lot of their choreography on not only Korean music, but also American mainstream music. One choreography that caught my eye was Sori Na’s choreography to Solo (by Jay Park feat. Yezi, Hoody, Loco) I looked up Jay Park and the rest was… HISTORY.

Next thing you know, I was listening to Jay Park 24/7. I looked up YouTube videos about him, to learn what he was about. The more I dug, the more I liked his music.

I started to watch various reaction videos to his music, specifically SALV & Family, which led me to first discovering BTS (a.k.a Bangtan Sonyeondon, Bulletproof Boy Scouts, Beyond the Scene) specifically their reaction to “Baepsae.” I found it entertaining.

This was right before BTS won their Billboard Music Award for Top Social Artist. I wasn’t really into their music at the time, but as I watched videos following that award, I realized how much of a breakthrough it was for Asian group to win the award. Again, I dove into more videos about them.


I am obsessed.

I am part of the ARMY FOR SURE.

I can watch their videos for hours at a time, listen to their music 24/7, watch RUN BTS! videos all day…

I think what has attributed to their popularity is you get to see past their “celebrity” facade. When you think of a ‘celebrity,’ you think they are in a different league than your own, due to the industry they are in. With BTS, having social media from the moment they started their journey, you never forget their ‘human’. The humility that these guys possess got them to where they are now. Also, you can clearly see the chemistry between members. I am attracted to chemistry. You can tell even as a fan that they enjoy what they do and care for one another.